Pax et Bonum!

I am Shirley and this blog initiative of mine serves as an outlet for sharing my own experiences about life, mental health, and faith. Having graduated with a teaching degree, I mainly worked as a teacher across all levels: my first job was at a university laboratory school where I taught English for first year students (7th grade in the current Philippine curriculum) then I proceeded to teach undergraduate students at two government-run universities after a little time off to do some freelancing work. At some point I also became part of the public school system where I was class adviser and Communication Arts teacher to 11th and 12th graders—all these while I was battling my own mental health concerns which had been plaguing me since my college years.

In like manner, having been embroiled in a local cult (together with my family) for almost 20 years also did not help my mental stability: the bipolar mood swings—and my epileptic attacks—were intense and I had to navigate life through a slew of medications and a constant fear of the unknown. As much as there are some who would dare try to comprehend my psyche, there were those who thought of me as irredeemable. Indeed: trying to hold one’s ground in the midst of uncertainty and hostility towards an unseen disability which I have never wanted to endure in the first place was mostly jarring. The sheer demand to perform in real life all the more precipitated mental decapitation that every single day was always inordinately cumbersome.

As a result, my thinking processes would stop midway without warning, despite the need to constantly keep my own thoughts alert and awake even for simple tasks or what I would consider as normal routines. Yet, it seemed that God had other plans, i.e., to teach me to become resilient beyond measure.

Overtime, I learned how to make crucial decisions for myself despite random bouts of a nasty brain fog with some recurring instances of feeling that ever-lingering fear so deeply ingrained into me by a former belief system I adhered to. Thus, after so many tears, prayers, supplications, and a brush with agnosticism for some months, I returned to the Church for good last 2021 and has since never looked back. Yet, admittedly, this only proved as the first step towards healing; and now I daresay I am trying my very best to address traumas and misconceptions about self-esteem that had been fed into me as a cult survivor in the midst of an equally controlling family dynamic.

Living an eventful life may have had its perks to ensure one gains the skills to transcend obstacles or fulfill dreams; but grappling against circumstances whilst bereft of support can be downplayed by those whose understanding of mental illness or suffering in general may not be as extensive. Nevertheless, as I ended up reading annals on the saints and their other works on holy martyrdom or redemptive suffering, I have realised that the soul seeks comfort not merely through human endeavours for wellness but also on the grace and mercy of God. To this I began to wonder about how this new-found Catholic faith can actually help me gain a fresher perspective on what really torments me; and what the Church in all of her wisdom embedded in its rich spiritual history be able to teach me about the flaws of my mind and at the same time, train it to only seek the Lord’s peace. Admittedly so, I am not a perfect individual and my maladies limit me; yet, as what St. Paul had said in his letter to the Corinthians:

My grace is sufficient for thee; for power is made perfect in infirmity. Gladly therefore will I glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may dwell in me.

True, I still cannot claim at present that I have surpassed all the obstacles that weary me. Yet, the assurance of God remains the same: He shall never leave me nor forsake me.